I think I say this literally every single time I write a blog post. It has always been far too long since my last blog post. I'm not sure why I put this off... because I love it... but I do.
I just wanted to reach out because I've had quite the year, and a lot of things have exploded and changed in the last month or so. I thought this would be the best way to get my thoughts and ideas out, and I'll share some of my self-shot family portraits from over the summer. Let me know what you think about the pictures, and the everything else too!
my child hood baby, Hailey.
So, as many of you know, I have always juggled working multiple jobs. I worked full time doing drug and alcohol case management for the last 2 1/2(ish) years. I loved the job, but as anyone that works in human services knows... burn out is inevitable. I had been working this full time job all day everyday, then would go home and shoot a session, edit, and catch up on emails. My days usually started at 5AM and ended around 10:30, being busy literally the entire time.
I knew that I wasn't going to last much longer- and my body told me this long before my mind agreed. I hated myself. I hated every inch of my body and every moment of my existence. I had gained nearly 50 pounds since starting this job. I became an irritable maniac who's moods weren't consistence between breakfast and lunch. I drove myself to insanity and I knew that I was doing the same to everyone around me. I would tell myself "if you just worked out more... or just ate a little better... or got some more sleep...." but I was doing those things and was literally dragging myself to doing them. It really didn't make a difference and life continually seemed to spiral downward. I began to hate the things I loved the most- spending time with my husband and family, cooking, hiking, and spending time with friends. I found myself avoiding things to just sit in silence. It was a pathetic depressive life.
me and my beautiful mama.
I'm not really sure what the actual problem was. It wasn't that work was that hard. It wasn't that the people i existed with were terrible to be around. It wasn't that I hated my business, my family, or my husband. I just wasn't sure why things weren't clicking for me. I just couldn't get the puzzle to all match up and be what I needed.
I tried to go to therapy.
It made me feel even worse.
I sat there trying to explain where I was at, and what my thoughts were, but I wasn't really getting anywhere. I gave that up.
Kodie's side of the family!
So, I tried figuring out what needed to change. I started job hunting, and found a new job that seemed to have everything in it I would want. Regardless if this job was in my current field or not, it was a change and I truly felt like I needed it.
I put in my two weeks notice and finished out my time. I honestly knew that I would miss my clients- but I needed something different if I didn't want to self-destruct. 4 days into my new position, I hit my breaking point. I sat in my car at lunch break and cried to my husband on the phone- I begged him not to make me do this anymore. I felt like such a failure. Something is wrong with ME. Not with these jobs, not with everyone around me... I AM the PROBLEM and I can see that now. It was such a feeling of defeat and I wasn't sure what I needed to do. I called the next day and told them I quit. My hand was shaking so much that my phone was banging off of my head. It seemed like the right thing and the wrong thing and the not-sure thing all at once.
my hubby <3
After a very long conversation with Kodie that resulted in a storm-out fight, we decided that I would pursue my business and just stay busy until something else came up. We chose to put our faith in God and decide what was going to be next.
I have always been much more of a faithful, fly where the wind blows kinda gal. Kodie on the other hand, is the rock, the voice of reason, and the steadfast voice. We butt heads because I choose risk and he chooses consistency. This was a compromise that he definitely gave to me. I am so grateful that he has put me in this position.
The next day, I called around and found a waitressing job at a restaurant I had worked at previously. I started the day after. Telling my mom that her daughter with two degrees decided to go back to working for tips was honestly embarrassing. I felt like I was taking 30 steps backwards. The rest of the family acted supportive, but I think we all know that they had felt I was falling apart- when in reality, this was the most put together I had ever felt.
Two weeks into this current lifestyle, I am waitressing part time and I am working full time on my business. I am staying busy, feeling loved, and feeling more whole than I ever have.
I took the worlds largest pay cut- but I also lost a mountain of anxiety, hate, stress, and anger. I've also lost 10 pounds doing literally nothing different. Looking at the scale this morning my eyes got wider than they ever have. The truth is right there.
With that being said, I want to give out a huge apology to literally every single person that has been in contact with me in all of 2018. I have been a disorganized, hateful, angry person. I have not been who I have wanted to be. I have been short, I have been sloppy, I have been the exact opposite of myself. This apology is for all of my clients as well as my friends, family, puppers, and most importantly... my husband.
Taking my next step forward, I want to vow that things will be different from here on out. I am still looking for another career, but I am not going anywhere that doesn't truly fulfill me. That may mean taking another job, it may mean continuing to expand my business. I'm not sure where I'm going to end up yet and that's okay. I just know that I will never spiral out of control as I had this year. I want better for myself and I want better for those around me. I want to be the best version of myself, so that i can serve others better. I want to be the warrior here on earth that God needs. One day I will be where I am supposed to be.. or I won't be... I just want to keep learning, growing, and loving... and I won't let anything separate me from those goals.
Thank you for reading all of this. For those of who have and support me, I love you. Thank you for being the support that i need and the village that we all want.
If you see me slipping again, tell me. I won't be offended. If you see anyone slipping into their own demise, TELL THEM. be the support they need and show the love they want.